My Morning Dump | 10.10.17

#1 ESPN SUSPENDED HOST JEMELE HILL
According to the network, Hill was suspended for two weeks for a second violation of our social media guidelines. Okay, but what are the exact guidelines? This brewhaha really began back when Bill Simmons was suspended for calling NFL commissioner Roger Goodwell a liar. Is talent at ESPN not allowed to express any opinion on social media? Not everything can be positive and let’s be honest, what did she say that was so bad. NFL players have the right to protest, Jerry Jones has the right as a team owner to threaten any player with a benching if they kneel and ESPN hosts should be able to then discuss it social media. Period.

#2 TRUMP ATTACKS JEMELE HILL, BLAMES HER FOR FAILING RATINGS
Man, Trump is such a tool. Is there really nothing better for this man to do? There is so much bullshit that spews from his mouth, nothing he says can be taken serious anymore. Half of his tweets are about how something he doesn’t like, NY Times, NBC, NFL, ESPN are failing because reasons.

Yes, ESPN rating are down, but it has nothing to do with Hill. The ratings are falling because people are cutting the cord and let’s be honest, back in the day, I got most of my sports information from Sportscenter. Now I can get it from dozens of sources online.

#3 STARS WARS TRAILER JUST GOT DROPPED
Listen, I wasn’t the biggest fan of The Force Awakens. There were certainly elements I really enjoyed (the acting, the visuals), the story just didn’t stick with me. Having said that, I will see this movie when it comes out, because I love me some Star Wars. Plus, I’m so desperate for a Mark Hamill comeback.

#4 FIRE SUCKS
So far 11 people have been killed by wildfires in California. At least 1,500 homes and businesses have been destroyed, while 20,000 people have been evacuated. Mother Nature is a cruel bitch.

#5 LATE NIGHT TELEVISION, SO “UNFUNNY”
I miss Jon Stewart.

#6 VIKINGS BEAT BEARS
In case you missed it, the Vikings beat the Bears, 20-17. The game was not pretty, as rookie Mitchell Trubisky and Sam Bradford put forth a display of futility I haven’t seen since I first heard Let’s Be Careful Out There on COP ROCK. The score was 3-2 at the half, before the Vikings mercifully benched Bradford for Case Keenum. The Bears kept it close and actually had the ball with the score tied with under three to play, but then Trubisky threw a bad interception and that was all she wrote.

#7 THE CHIVES’ MOST PAUSED MOVIE SCENES
I got three things to say…

A) Phoebe Cates nude scene, yes. That is all.

B) She’s the Man scene with Amanda Bynes can’t be on this list, because there was nothing to see. If the ultimate, I’m pretending to be a man, but now I need to prove I’m a woman by showing my tits, comes from Just One of the Guys. This CLIP is NSFW. Sadly, the clip cuts off before we hear the greatest response in film history, “Where do you get off having tits?!”

C) Ah, the infamous Teen Wolf Penis. Fun fact, the person with their pants undone is actually not a man, so it’s not a penis. In fact, if you watch an old 4:3 TV version of the film, the top of the shot is extended you can clearly see it’s a middled-aged blond woman. Fun fact #2. Early during the basketball game, when Michael J. Fox is trying to motivate his teammates to win without the wolf, you can see this woman in the background, undoing her pants. Fun fact #3: I interviewed the director of this film about 12 years ago and the first time he heard about this was when I told him.

#8 MIKE DITKA SAYS THERE HAS BEEN NO IMPRESSION IN THE LAST 100 YEARS
I’ve always said if you want to be a conservative in this country, you have to bury your head deep into the sand. Case in point, I give you MIke Ditka.

All of a sudden, it has become a big deal now, about oppression. There has been no oppression in the last 100 years that I know of. Now maybe I’m not watching it as carefully as other people. I think the opportunity is there for everybody — race, religion, creed, color, nationality. If you want to work, if you want to try, if you want to put effort in, I think you can accomplish anything, and we have watched that throughout our history of our country.”

You’re not watching carefully may be a bit of a understatement. I guess Mike missed that story about how his boy Trump and his daddy had to pay fines because they refused to rent apartments to black people.

#9 WHITE GUY MURDERS AGAIN!!
When are we going to put an end to all the white men murdering people? Isn’t there a wall we can put up or a ban the President can order? Something. White men are out of control!!

#10 SPEAKING OF BEING WHITE
When I was a kid, I idolized Eddie Murphy. If you asked me to name my top-25 SNL skits of all time, a third of them would be of Murphy, who I believe was only on for one season.

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